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Tuesday, March 3, 2009
1:04AM
If I keep this up I may officially change my blog's name to Boring Blog of Doom - the way Rai gets to sleep.
I have a new friend - sort of.
She is as high strung as I am and I think I finally know what it is like to try to become friends with me.
I'm sure people looking from the outside cant tell if we are dating or friends or strangers from moment to moment.
Honestly I can hardly tell from the inside.
It would be nice to have a "non-store" friend.
Especially one that likes to play games as well.
I dont know if two high strung and insecure people should even be friends.
I also dont know if I can weather the "dating to friends to strangers to no contact for a week" for too long either.
Does that make me codependent?
The wanting more contact?
I've been talking about codependency in my therapy sessions and I just cant wrap my head around it.
It must be denial.
Gaddy stole my Sweet and Sour chicken off the table when I wasnt looking.
I have sticky red sauce all over my floor and backpack and puppy.
I suspect it is on Aedan's paws as well.
*sigh* Kids...
I havent rambled on and on and I am already getting tired.
Maybe I wont have to rename my blog after all.
No cookie tonight.
Just sleep.
Monday, March 2, 2009
1:31AM
My really boring blog of doom actually helped me rest better last night.
So here I am again.
We had the big YuGiOh! Crimson Crisis sneak peek today.
I think it was pretty successful - 19 players.
This week I am going to try to spend time painting my Warhammer armies.
I should take a more active role in the Warhammer league I'm running.
For some reason I am watching When Animals Attack or something like that.
It makes me want to stay inside away from everything.
Nature is scary!
I should change the channel, I'm sure someone is cooking or decorating somewhere.
Chopped on Food Network. I can deal with that.
My super spastic kitty, Aedan, is cuddly at night.
She is very sweet.
Agatha will not come and sleep with me until the sun comes up.
She is a good watch kitty.
I have not experienced any of the THUNDERSNOW! that the weather channel has promised me.
I think I would be ok with never experiencing THUNDERSNOW!
I burnt my eyelid with grease spatter from sausage I made for my breakfast-dinner.
My dinner was yummy.
Eggs and potatoes with sausage, peppers, onions and cheese.
My eye hurts.
My kitchen counters are a fantastic 70's yellow.
I priced counters and cabinets and have determined that my counters will stay yellow for a bit longer.
My brother is coming home from Iraq in about two weeks.
We are praying for a non-eventful few weeks and safe travels.
I cant wait to see him.
I dont enjoy Throw Down with Bobby Flay.
I think the whole I'm-a-chef-and-I-will-cook-your-special-thing-better-than-you-in-front-of-your-friends thing is kinda shitty.
Thank you for letting me bore you for two nights in a row.
I am going to eat a cookie and then go to sleep.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
12:56AM
My sleep cycle is so completely crazy right now.
I think it's because I still havent settled into a good bedtime routine.
I havent written in my journal since before the big move.
I dont even actually know where my journal is.
I figured instead of digging through boxes and winding myself up instead of down, I would just try and write here.
Argh! My life is quite boring these days!
It's hard to have my boring evening journal out loud.
I am so burnt out with work.
I feel bad about having the best job in the world and not wanting to go.
I think I need to work on finding a balance so I dont dread going in.
My energy is always being drained and never refilled.
I've been training Gaddy a little bit.
He has sit down pat and knows that he has to sit before he goes in or out.
He can heel while walking on the leash.
He does his own sideways version of down and we are working on shake.
And he knows leave it (no more chasing cats! yay!)
I really enjoy working with him.
I love mah puppy!!
He likes living here because he gets to sleep in my bed.
He doesnt share well.
Some nights I wonder if this queen sized is big enough for the two of us.
I think I may have problems if I ever want another person to snuggle in my bed with me.
But nothing like that is even close to happening so I will enjoy snuggling with Mr. Gaddy.
Well, now that I have had a very boring brain dump, I am going to try to sleep.
Good night!
Current mood:  tired
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
9:24PM
I officially live in my very own house!
I've actually been here for about a month.
It's been great so far.
Week one I had to replace my hot water heater.
That was excellent.
Thank goodness for home warranties.
The house is a mess.
I dont anticipate being fully unpacked and set up for at least another month.
Then I will worry about painting and really learning the personality of my little house.
My puppy loves the place.
He has a great fenced in backyard to run and play in.
The kitties have moved from hate to extreme dislike.
It's a step in the right direction.
I saw RENT! on stage last week.
It was awesome!
I am currently enamored with Man v. Food.
My dog just came in from the rain.
He stinks.
I have a cold.
I am also currently enamored with Zicam.
And orange juice.
I have been twittering people via my store (username Mind_Games follow me!).
I will eventually take pictures of my perfect little house.
When I find my camera.
Current mood:  silly
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
12:49AM
So.
I'm buying a house.
Holy crap.
Current mood:  excited
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My brother is in Iraq. He sent me this email today.
When someone dies, it seems like the first thing that people ask is how you are connected to the deceased. Or they talk about about how they are connected. "How did you know him?" "He and I used to ride to grade school together." "She sat next to me in church." "He was my neighbor" And so on. The common one on this day was "He was my soldier." Because of his situation (his organic and attached battery are on the same Forward Operating Base or FOB) there were probably a dozen people that could claim "he was my soldier." He had two battery commanders, two first sergeants, two platoon sergeants, at least one platoon leader and a number of squad leaders. There was also the battalion commander and the sergeant major (he was on the CSM's personal security detail). There were also the driver(s) and vehicle commander(s) and people that rode in his vehicle. So to be honest I did not really know this guy. I was doing an inventory and he was in or around one of the vehicles that I inventoried. Probably. I was new to the battery/battalion (and in a lot of ways I still am) and I was more interested in finding equipment than meeting the people that used it. Looking back on it, I don't even regret that fact. I had a job and it was not to meet the 100+ people in the battery, it was to inventory what seemed an impossible amount of equipment. He had a job too and it wasn't get chummy with the new guy. What I do know of him is after he died, it sent shockwaves through the battalion. My office is located two doors away from his battery (he was attached to my battery though). His NCO is located right next door. Because she is a supply sergeant, she is a part of the little supply group that exists. The hub of the group is in my office, probably because mine is the biggest supply office. So when word first came that a soldier was hit, one of the first places the info came was the hub. We kind of tried to blow it off at first because no one knew who it was or how serious the injury was or anything. I went through "officer channels" as I jokingly call them and found out that the injured soldeir's last name was Cooper and his first name started with a D. I came back to the hub and relayed the information. They knew who he was. David Cooper. It was then that I realized that his NCO wasn't at this meeting of the supply sergeants. She was trying to find out more info. I've heard several different things about the actual wound, but the only important thing is that it was fatal. But not immediately. Everyone hoped against hope that he would be okay. But I think deep down everyone knew. This was it. This was the end. When the word became official it was an interesting thing. Everyone wanted to do something but no one knew what to do. There were a lot of people hovering. I looked closely at individuals and I could see things like their hands moving from the waist, to the face, to the pockets, to crossing the arms, to gesturing and back in under a minute. There was pacing. There was crying. There was shouting. There was cussing. Everyone reacts to grief differently and I think I saw every single reaction that exists. Me, I did nothing. I sat with the supply sergeants but I didn't try to relate. I didn't know the guy. The last thing I wanted to do was make it seem like I hurt as much as they did. I didn't. They knew it. I knew it. So I sat. Silent. Powerless. That was one thing that I did have in common with everyone else. I was powerless. And it sucked there was nothing anyone could say or do to remedy the situation. But there were things that people could say to make it worse. "I'm sorry to hear about Campbell" took the cake. A close second was "You have to inventory his room tonight." Because the supply sergeants are close, my supply sergeant and I volunteered to do it instead of her. After his battery commander addressed the battery, we were off. We had to pack up a dead man's things to send back to his family and take the stuff that was issued to him. To put it eloquently, it sucked. The thought that kept passing through my head was that a few hours ago this stuff belonged to a living breathing man and now it was being divided between his family, the army and the trash. No one over here can legally keep souvenirs. After that it was difficult getting to sleep. I knew him now. I knew that he had a million containers of supplements for working out. He had several pictures of friends and family and himself. I saw his movie collection, his book collection, his music collection. One book he had was Slaughterhouse Five. A book I personally read right before coming over here (I brought it along too). He had $4.93 in his room. A number that was insignificant during the inventory but it was in every single one of my dreams in one way or another that night. Along with his name. I don't want to say that it haunted my sleep but that's the first word that comes to mind. The next day his army issued gear sat in my office and I pulled up a chair and sat and stared at it for I don't know how long. I wondered about his family and friends and those that knew him. I wondered what it would be like to be reduced to a series of boxes. One box that contains his stuff and one box that contains his body. The medics brought over their bloody clothing to swap it out. It was in haz mat bags so I didn't see the blood or anything like that, but again these were things that belonged to a man that was walking and talking and breathing a mere 12 hours earlier. I was told that he was stop-lossed a mere 48 hours before he was to get out of the army forever. 48 hours seperate him from being a living civilian and dead soldier. I don't know what number soldier he is to die in this war but I do know that he was more than a number. He was a name, a person, a friend, a son and a husband. The Tralfamadores would say that he is alive in many moments and to think of those rather than the ones in which his is dead. Unfortunately I don't have that "luxury". So no, I didn't know him. He wasn't my friend or neighbor or the guy that rode with me in grade school. He wasn't "my soldier." I wasn't formally introduced to him until he was dead, but I have a feeling that I'm going to remember him the rest of the time that I'm alive. Some people got sad. Some people got mad. Me? I wrote this. That's my connection to the deceased. His name was David Cooper. So it goes.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
9:58PM
This has been a rough couple of days.
It started Wednesday, I had just finished showering and brushing my teeth and all that when my phone rings.
It's one of the guys from work and he's calling to tell me not to drink the water.
What?!
While I am on the phone with him, I get three text messages all saying the same thing.
Dont drink the water.
One of the texts was from my sister so I called her to see if she could answer the questions that the guy from work could not.
She had more answers alright.
The water in our little city had just tested positive for E. coli.
Excellent.
I was officially living a germaphobe's worst nightmare.
I suddenly wanted to wash my hands more than I wanted anything else in the world.
I took a big swig of Listerine and did a surgeon's scrub with hand sanitizer and busted into my hurricane rations for safe water for my pets.
I was saved by my friend and neighbor (work neighbor) who lives just outside of town.
His house is not on city water and he gave me a key.
Poop free showers FTW!
The shit water scare or "boil alert" as the news called it, only lasted for two days.
My love for hand sanitizer has gone from healthy appreciation to obsessive need - but that's okay.
In other news, I am not sure that I like my new therapist.
She called me an enigma.
From some people that could be a compliment.
Out of my therapist's mouth, I interpret it as "I have no idea what to do with you."
She also told me not to think so much.
Then she said I should just appreciate the joys that life has to offer.
Just.
That is an absolute negative trigger for me.
If I could JUST be happy or appreciate the joys that life has to offer or whatever bullshit she continued to spew while I sat there and over-thought about how I should NOT beat her to death with her nicely framed diploma, I would not have driven across town (expending precious gas!) in the middle of my work day to talk to her!
After that I did the only rational thing I could think of - I cut off my hair.
I have a mowhawk.
It is fabulous in that criminally insane meets tragic dyke hair meets edgy (over the edge?) game store girl kind of way.
And just to top of the week, my baby brother called me this evening.
He will be shipping out to Iraq tomorrow.
He'll be gone for a year.
He was calling to tell me he loved me.
I love him too.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
12:17AM
I just finished watching season one of Dexter.
It's a dark show.
I feel guilty calling it good, but I must admit I enjoyed it and am looking forward to season two coming out on DVD.
I've had a rough time of it lately.
My therapist moved away in April.
We thought I would be able to follow her but, for reasons that I still dont understand, that didnt work out.
I have struggled with depression for years.
I walked down the brain numbing path of medication and fought my way back up that path.
Until this year, I had been medication free for about five years.
I guess that's a good thing.
I dont really know anymore.
I still had issues with my depression but I was functioning and fighting.
Last fall a bunch of things, including the end of my nearly three year relationship, pushed me over a new edge.
I decided to go back into therapy.
I dont typically like my therapists.
I dont like spending the first X amount of time defending my decision to not take medication.
I ended up getting assigned to a cognitive behaviorial therapy specialist, who was willing to do art therapy with me.
I felt like things were finally starting to line up.
I actually liked her and trusted her and felt like she had my best interests in mind.
I agreed to go back on medication.
Then she moved.
And I couldnt go with her.
Then my best employee told me he was going to have to leave.
Then I hurt my back.
And it is summer time which is rough on my business since I live in a college town.
I'm stressed out and I'm sad and I'm lonely and when it gets into the small hours I find myself thinking about how easy it would be to take one or two extra of those damn pills that I worked so hard to keep out of my life.
Current mood:  depressed
Thursday, May 29, 2008
11:18PM
Gaddock is home!!
All the vet tech said he was very good.
He's the sweetest puppy ever!
He has to wear one of those cone things for a few days to keep him from licking his incision.
The cone makes him extra pitiful.
I took it off so he could actually get his face into his food dishes.
I will probably just leave it on him while I'm gone.
Right now he is working hard on his rawhide, not even Agatha can distract him!
In other news, I am getting ready to run my first Warhammer 40k campaign.
I have had so many people express interest in it that I am actually a little bit nervous about it.
I'm going to be playing as the planet where the guys are going to crash land.
I'm excited about the prospect of getting to use all of my armies in one project.
Enough dork talk for the moment.
I wonder if Neosporin will help keep his incision from getting infected?
Current mood:  happy
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
8:35PM
Gaddock is spending the night at the vet.
He's having his little manhood snipped.
Poor puppy!
I miss him SO much, he isnt a loud dog but his presence is huge.
Queen Agatha has taken over his pillow.
She will be very disappointed tomorrow when he comes trotting back through the door.
Today has been a wet and gloomy day.
It's done absolutely nothing for the riptide of depression working hard to pull me under.
Current mood: depressed
Monday, May 26, 2008
9:04PM
I actually did things that did not involve work or my pets today!
I went and picked strawberries.
The sun was shining and the berries were nice and ripe.
I probably ate a pound of them while we were out there.
After berry picking we cooled off at the movie theater.
We saw Price Caspian.
I thought it was just ok although I did cry a few times.
A dropped me off at home after all of our festivities.
I took the pooch for a walk around the neighborhood and pretended like ending the day alone was a good thing.
Gaddock is still enthralled with yesterday's new rawhide.
Current mood:  numb
Sunday, May 25, 2008
10:38PM
I must remember that I actually enjoy meandering about the neighborhood with my dog.
I mean he's out in our little yard 5 - 10 times a day and I walk him in the small area around these townhouses.
I got out of work while there was some sun in the sky so I leashed up the pup and we walked around for about an hour.
It was wonderful!
I had forgotten that this was such a beautiful neighborhood.
The trees and azaleas are in full bloom and kids dash through their yards with the promise of summer vacation shining in their eyes.
I bought my puppy a giant raw hide as a thank you for this evening.
Current mood:  calm
Friday, May 23, 2008
12:22AM
I think it is very amusing that my cat will only drink her water with her eyes closed.
I wonder what frosty beverage she is wishing for with her shut tight?
I've gotten a basket for all of the puppy toys.
I think Gaddock enjoys taking all the toys out of the basket more than he actually likes to play with them.
Such excitement.
Current mood:  blank
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
1:27AM
I havent posted in ages.
I log on every day.
Some of those days I even open the text box.
I dont really feel like complaining about my life.
So I wont.
In other news, I got a puppy!
His name is Gaddock the Scuttlemutt
(if you know where his name came from then you are as big a dork as I am).
He is 50% German Sheperd, 50% Mystery dog, and 100% cute!
When he finishes growing he will be anywhere from medium to huge.
I'm kinda hoping for huge.
My apartment is hoping for something smaller than huge.
My cat, Agatha, is hoping for some sort of sudden doggie death syndrome.
I think he is growing on her though, she only tries to claw his face off when he comes near her.
Last week she played ninja kitty and his poor nose took quite the beating.
I feel sorry for him.
I also think it's good that he learn that she is the boss while he is still on the small side of huge.
Monday, February 4, 2008
I like Skittles.
I like chocolate.
I do NOT like Chocolate Skittles.
Not only are Chocolate Skittles a let down, I'm a little bit insulted that the Skittles people would call something Brownie Batter and then have it be nasty.
Before today Brownie Batter always = something delicious.
What kind of world is that I now have to taste Brownie Batter with caution?
Current mood:  chipper
Monday, December 31, 2007
You hear that?
That's the sound of the thunder I'm coming with in 2008.
Congrats everyone, we made it through another one!
Peace.
Rai
Monday, December 3, 2007
I'm trying to blog more.
Something to fill the space, you know?
But I dont want it to be all pity-party all the time, even if that is how I feel these days.
I've had this journal prompts book for a while.
I've never used it but I think I will try it for a while to give me something else to write about when I come to the pages.
I'm sure there will be more pity parties as I am a LONG way from healed but what can you do?
The first prompt is about the worst time of life (ha! right now maybe?) asking specifically about a humiliating junior high school experience.
The first one that springs to mind is in 8th grade.
I went to Jacksonville Middle School.
I hated that school and on this particular day, I was sick.
I was nauseous and my tummy rumbled and protested it's existence ALL day.
I dont remember anything about the day except for trying to make it through it.
I remember the bell ringing signaling that I had made it through the last class.
I skipped going to my locker, I headed straight for the buses hoping that I could get a seat near the front.
I remember getting bumped around a lot as I pushed through all the kids.
I got outside and the fresh air blew in my face, there was a faint smell of fast food in the breeze and I knew I was in trouble.
The tiny courtyard between the front of the school and the bus parking lot grew to football field size as I teetered at the top of the steps.
There werent that many other kids out there yet since I skipped the locker step.
My mouth filled with saliva as I kept my eyes on the one trash can between me and the bus.
15 steps between me and the trash can. That was my guess.
And then another 20 between the trash can and the bus.
I could do it.
Except the nausea was worse and the fast food in the air begged my stomach to revolt.
On step 12, right before the trash can and in perfect time for everyone to start coming towards the buses,
I puked.
I threw up like it was my job,
all over the ground and the side of the trash can and all over myself and all in front of the majority of the school.
I was mortified but fortunately at that point I was so consumed by the stomach virus that I dont remember the responses of the other kids.
I dont remember the bus ride home and I only vaguely remember that my entire household succumbed to the stomach flu for about a week.
I dont remember much except for that few minutes of vomit filled embarrassment from the actual event,
but anytime anyone asks about embarrassing Jr High moment, that is the 1st thing that pops into my mind.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
9:19PM - ?
What do you do when your best friend breaks up with you??
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sooo... Latin 3 may very well be the death of me.
I took Latin 1 and 2 with a different guy and I guess he didnt teach us much Latin.
The good news is that everyone in there had Latin 1 and 2 with the same guy that I did.
The bad news is that I am in Latin 3 and I DONT KNOW ANY LATIN.
So, yeah, school started today.
Aside from having a new and significantly harder Latin teacher, and having to park at my store (which, btw, is NOT on the campus and I have indeed paid 72 bucks to be able to park on the campus) and having to walk a much longer distance in 112 degree weather, it was a really nice day.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go take a shower, eat some dinner, study some Latin and then cry myself to sleep.
Current mood: tired
Friday, August 10, 2007
12:14PM
Still my favorite
Daffodils by Joseph Hutchison
Let's speak of anguish at the root
of daffodils, their open-mouthed
breathlessness. Let's meditate upon
stones that still dream of the magma,
and the fever in each atom (its disease
of desire to keep those particles
circling and circling). Let's consider
the shout that leaps in a sleeper's throat
like a fountain, and the way the bone
you'll break in a stumbling fall at seventy
already whimpers with cold foreknowledge.
Let's convene an expert commission
to study the effects of despair
on sowbugs, a panel for every fly,
whole armies of pollsters collecting
the opinions of nits and viruses.
I feel a bit ill.
No, I'm really okay.
But there's a nagging ache in my chest,
a germinating bruise where the lungs
lay side by side like failing lovers,
breathing-in anguish, breathing-out
anguish, breathing without hope
that anything gets easier or sweeter.
Let's talk about how sick we've become
of breath. Let's be honest. Let's admit
there's a limit and we're near it.
Let's stop pretending. Let's lie down
in the dirt and blossom in silence.
Let's open our mouth and shut up,
in imitation of daffodils.
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